Hi and welcome to today's episode where I'm going to be chatting to you about how to step into your power.
Now, this is going to be a great episode for you.
If you are feeling like you're a little bit lost in yourself, you're feeling stuck.
You don't have any boundaries up and maybe you're feeling like every day is a groundhog day and there's not much joy in it for you for you at the minute.
Um to chat to you about how I have stepped into my power and I am starting starting really starting my journey of stepping into my power.
Knowing who I am and not tying my self worth into how people treat me, perceive me or feel about me and finding my own truth, my own truth in this world.
And I hope you find your own truth and your own space in this world too.
Just back from a trip.
Um, we went to New York.
It was a trip of a lifetime.
I've always wanted to go to America.
I've had it on my vision board for a long time.
Um, since 2013 actually, and this year was the first opportunity we got to go.
Kids are a little bit older, Arthur nine, Emily eight.
And we just thought it was a great time to go.
And it was, I'm a little bit wheezy today though, from all the air conditioning that was over there on the flight home and poor Arthur, we got back on Saturday morning.
So, you know that America is five hours behind and he came to us in the, in our bedroom at one o'clock this morning, crying saying I still can't get to sleep and I don't know what to do.
And I'm so tired.
So he got to sleep at about two o'clock this morning and then he was straight into school.
However, it was really worth it and it was absolutely amazing.
Um, it's great to be back and great to be back into the routine.
Um, I'm stepping into my power.
Are you joining me?
I'm giving you.
Um, I think about seven tips in this episode to help you step into your power.
If you're feeling lost, if you feel like you've got no boundaries and your identity is gone somehow and you feel like you need to find your voice again.
I have spent most of my adult life feeling like I have had no voice and not really knowing myself very, very well for those of you that listen to my podcast, you know, that, that um showed itself up in my weight.
I was three stone overweight and when I wasn't three stone overweight, when it looked like I was a normal weight, I was struggling big time stuck in a cycle of restriction with my food, overeating binging.
Um So I may not have been overweight for all my life, but I was always battling and struggling with my weight.
Um I've drank way too much alcohol at the weekends, comfort, ate, emotionally ate, binge, ate restricted, dieted for a years.
Um I've been very hard on myself, perfectionist tendencies, massive people pleaser absolutely no boundaries.
I've had people in my life that I haven't wanted in my life that I've had, you know, lots of contact with me and I haven't wanted to have contact with them and I would just felt so stuck.
Um My journey of stepping into my power has only been over the past couple of years and I want to share it with you because the quality of my life has just gone so great that I need to share it with you in case you're not feeling so great.
If you're feeling stuck in the same trap, I was stuck in where I felt so low.
I felt so anxious.
I had a permanent feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I felt anxious.
I felt stressed out.
I was ruminating on things the whole time.
I was worrying about the future.
The whole time I was people pleasing and then despising myself after I left the company of people because I knew I wasn't being true to myself, almost feeling like I was fake laughing or, or, or, or, or, or privately not agreeing with people but publicly agreeing with everybody.
I had no boundaries.
I had no hobbies, no pastimes.
I would only meet up with one friend every week, every couple of weeks.
I didn't have a social life at all.
I isolated myself.
Um I felt very bad at myself really low when I would look in the mirror or see myself in a reflection in a, in a shop window.
And I felt really awful.
It was only when I decided to do something about it after years of dieting and exercising and realizing that it's dieting and trying to control my weight is never going to get to the reason of why I was overweight.
It was only in the past couple of years that I decided to figure out why I was overweight, why I was struggling with my weight so much, why I was so inconsistent with exercise, why I seemed unable to eat less food.
It was only when I went on that journey that I discovered this whole journey of self love and understanding that in order for me to be healthy, I needed to learn how to love myself again.
And that's where we're at now sharing with you the real way to become fit and healthy, the real way back to yourself because there is so much misinformation out there that if you're overweight, you need to diet and it's just your willpower.
That's the problem or you're overweight and you just don't know the correct foods to eat, which is just insanely untrue if we have weight issues, if we're eating too much, if we struggle to show up to our workouts, it's not that we're, it's not those surface problems like, oh, well, we're lazy.
We have little motivation.
We have no time.
It's always much deeper than that.
And when we focus on that deep stuff and we get to heal and really rediscover ourselves again, then that's when we can start to really flourish and grow and become healthy for the rest of our lives.
We can give up the weighing scales and dieting and restricting and binging and that cycle of feeling bad all of the time and starting again on a Monday, the moment you realize your worth isn't tied into how people treat you perceive you or feel about you.
You can go and find your own power, true value and purpose.
And I believe one of the most difficult things a woman will do in her lifetime is make the choice to step into her power.
Part of the reason for this difficulty is the courage it takes to own your truth, set your boundaries and allow yourself to be seen unfiltered absolutely authentically as you are.
It takes an awful amount of courage if you haven't being true to yourself, if you have now, so many habits that you do that you're so used to and the people around you that you love are so used to like you, you have no boundaries, you silence and you censor yourself and you don't really speak your truth.
It takes an awful lot of courage to change that and step into your power, especially if you don't like confrontation.
Because for me anyway, it felt quite confrontational at the beginning when I decided to actually step into my power and own my truth and truth be told I did actually row more with my husband Joe in the initial phases of me stepping into my power because I was so used to just wanting to shut myself off from disagreements that I would always just try to not row rather than speak my truth.
And it took a lot of practice to get me there.
But I want you to know now that stepping into your potential and stepping into your power can happen at any time, it can happen right now today, if you are willing to confront the challenges that comes with going against the grain and going against what you're used to and creating a new life for yourself.
And if you decide to do this with me today, go on the journey of um stepping into your power, you will always feel moments where you're kind of questioning if it's worth the effort.
Like I mentioned, for example, I started to argue with Joe a little bit more.
Um The few friendships I did have in my life also got a bit tense because I was changing and the dynamic within my friendships were changing because I was starting to speak my truth and move away more from the people pleaser that they had gotten used to.
And I by stepping into my power, wanted to start to have more from connections and friendships and relationships that weren't so one sided and that I was getting stuff out of the friendships too, um which took an enormous amount of work and it is difficult.
However, it's really exciting and it's really worth it.
And at the other end of it, then you really um blossom and grow as a person and the right people are in your life and you can just have this wonderful, wonderful life.
You um have to really get to know your identity and who you are.
You have to really free yourself from the limitations of mainstream media standards.
Stop going after like keeping up with the Joneses and things that you think you should be doing and really put blinkers on and figure out what it is that you want and what you stand for.
Um, and again, not going against the grain, you need to trust that, you know what is best for you.
And when you start listening to yourself, it becomes really addictive.
You start to listen to yourself and you start to make changes.
All you want to do is listen to you.
I used to always go to advice um for advice to my husband Joe who is a wonderful person and I still always go to him for advice and chats.
However, I used to only go to him and never myself.
If I had a problem, I would go to him straight away.
Whereas now I think about what it is that how I feel and how I want to change it.
And then we have a good chat.
Um So it's owning your power requires an awful lot of confidence as well.
You really have to put your shoulders back and go for it.
So for whatever reason in your past, you have lost your power.
Um Only you know why you have, um, and ways that that has come out for me is I have been a huge people pleaser.
Um I have really seeped, sought approval from people outside of myself and I've gone to great lengths to please people um at the expense of my own needs and my own desires.
And I have done that for most of my adult life.
Um So if that resonates with you, great, this is what we're working on.
Uh Also difficulty saying no, um stepping into your power, you're going to really practice the art of saying no many of us that haven't stepped into our power yet.
Um Fear conflict and rejection.
Um I've always feared conflict um because I feel that I will be rejected with conflict.
So I've always found it very, very difficult to set boundaries and fear of confrontation has been a huge one for me.
Um And that's why I've always avoided conflict or confrontation.
And it is a total sign that you haven't fully stepped into your power, especially if you go out of your way to avoid difficult conversations and they just stress you out so much, so much to the point where you can't do them a lack of goal setting.
So for some of us, it manifests itself is that if we don't have a strong sense of personal power, we might struggle to set meaningful goals and not, maybe not even know what it is that we want.
Um You may have a lot of self doubt, negative self talk can be totally indicative of someone who hasn't embraced their power, um passivity, over reliance on external validation and frequent comparison to others and perfectionism and difficulty making decisions.
So, if you feel like you're in that zone right now where every day is a bit of a groundhog day and you don't have much joy and happiness in your life.
And you feel, I feel like you have lost your voice and I want to give you some tips for you to start your journey um to reclaiming your power and finding your voice and starting to really put those shoulders back and declare what it is that you want out of your life right now rather than waiting.
So the first thing you've got to do is you've got to embrace your feelings and rediscover who you are, rediscovering yourself again, stepping into your truth, no hiding or masking how you really feel.
So this means working on turning inwards rather than outwards, you can hear yourself.
So when I was eating and drinking too much, I didn't know how I felt.
I didn't feel many emotions.
So I didn't need to understand them.
Now, I would spend the week stressed out.
I had no boundaries.
Um I had that horrible pit in my feeling the whole time that I was never enough that I was never doing enough.
So because of that, I was so driven in work to just do as much as I possibly could.
Um at the detriment to myself and I would live for the weekends and although I was healthy during the day, during the week, I would live for that time at the end of the night where I could sit down and have food, junk food, crisps, biscuits because I didn't want to face how I was feeling and I didn't want to change things because I was scared and I don't even think I knew that back then.
I just wanted treats.
That's just what I thought of it.
I just wanted something sweet.
Now, I know that I was trying to change how I felt and the five pm wine at the weekends five pm on a Friday, I was drinking to change how I felt and I was drinking too much because I wanted to unwind and escape from my reality.
And I got so used to doing that that I really got out of practice of feeling feelings.
I mean, I felt like a baby when I, when I gave up alcohol and stopped emotional eating and, and started to experience the feelings and the sensation of those feelings on my body and the feeling in my mind of what that those feelings were.
I felt like I was reborn starting again, it was quite stressful.
Um So in order for you to turn inwards and embrace your feelings and rediscover who you are, you're going to have to commit to not eating or drinking them.
Um And now that, that, that might mean just during the week and you might still want to drink alcohol and have treats at the weekends.
But in order for you to feel your feelings to rediscover yourself and feel how you feel, you're going to have to knock the emotional eating on the head.
So I want to give you a couple of tips to do that.
And the first one, it sounds really obvious, but it's to sit with your feelings and the way I do that is to use Tara Bracks, which, which I've mentioned on this podcast so many times, acronym Rain, which is to when you're feeling stressed, when you want to eat, you sit there, you close your eyes or a in you, you recognize the feeling.
So you say the feeling out loud, I'm stressed or I'm anxious and then a acknowledge or aware, you acknowledge the feeling in your body.
Um You, you feel it, you say, OK, this is here.
Um I investigate why am I feeling like this, which so many of us don't do.
I didn't do that.
I used to spend all my time during the day stressed out and anxious.
Never 1% questioning why I was, it was just such a default behavior for me to act and feel stressed out and anxious.
So the eye part is to investigate where that's coming from.
And then the end part is to nurture yourself and to mother yourself and to self soothe and say it's ok, it's ok.
And to ask yourself, what can you do right now to help yourself?
What do you need right now?
Um, number two is to, it sounds really basic, but it's to clear your house of junk food and alcohol during the week.
If it's not there, you're not going to have it and if it is there and you don't want it, but you're keeping it in the house, then maybe that's something you need to, you own up to.
Why are you keeping it in the house?
And so often I used to say this for years.
It's oh, it's because the kids might want something.
It's because Joe, when really, it's great for the whole family to be healthy during the week.
And if you have people that love you in your house and you're telling them I'm really struggling, I really want to start getting in touch with myself.
One of, one of the ways for me to do that is to stop reaching for food after dinner or reaching for that glass of wine.
However, I'm really struggling with having it in the house just temporarily for the next couple of weeks while I break the habit.
Is there any chance just between Sunday and Thursday, we could keep it out of the house.
I would appreciate that so much.
All the people that love you in your life are going to say, yes, straight away, it really does help, especially in the initial phase where you're trying to break the habit.
And remember when you've got junk food and alcohol out of your house, midweek, you are going to sit there with your feelings and you're going to have to experience your feelings and through experiencing those feelings, you're going to get to know yourself.
And over time, if all you do is just keep experiencing all the feelings that are bubbling up and you don't turn to external forces like online shopping or scrolling on your phone or eating or drinking, you're going to get better at coping with how you feel, which is really cool.
Um My next tip is just to have like herbal teas in the house for the evening time after dinner when you might be struggling a little bit, a peppermint tea can be really warming and really comforting.
Um Exercise is my next tip for you to be able to sit with your feelings.
Um not exercising instead of eating.
I just mean that it will help reduce your stress and anxiety.
So if you're working out three times a week, your stress and anxiety is automatically going to be reduced.
And the fifth tip for you to rediscover your feelings and tap into your feelings is to identify your triggers.
Identify who and what makes your emotional state change makes you feel stressed out or anxious.
Maybe there's somebody in your family who rings you once a week in your extended family.
And you haven't noticed it before, but you just are so un centered and ungrounded after the phone call and you just want to eat everything, which is how I used to be.
Um, or maybe it's when you speak to somebody in work or when you don't stick to your boundaries and you put an appointment in with your boss when you should, when you wanted to work out, um, whatever your triggers are to make you want to turn to food or alcohol or scroll and your get to know them and then go back to that acronym reign.
The Tara Tara Bracks reign where you sit, you recognize the feeling you allow it in, you investigate it, you nurture it and, and, and let for the feeling to pass and wash over you.
So that's the first, almost like foundational step that worked for me.
And the very first step is, is you have to first off, get in touch with your feelings.
Um The second thing I did is to put up boundaries.
Um I had to start at the beginning.
I, I've never had boundaries before.
Um, the past couple of years I remember so well, like members of my family ringing me years ago because they would want to chat.
Um And I would just stay on the phone for as long as they wanted to.
I remember one time specifically going on a date with Joe in the prom and one of my family members ringing me and we had just met up and I stayed on the phone until the other person wanted to for an hour.
And, um, that was kind of how I operated.
My phone would ring.
I would answer it.
I would stay for however long they wanted.
Um, in particular, if it was somebody who didn't respect me or respect my boundaries, it's kind of easy to say.
Look, I gotta go when it's somebody where there's mutual respect and trust.
But for those people that are in your life that might take advantage or don't care about you as much as they should if they're in your life.
Um It can be very difficult to have boundaries when you have never been taught what a boundary is or how to have boundaries or how to respect yourself, which I definitely feel something that was missing for me growing up.
So it's really difficult to put up boundaries at the start if you're a people pleaser and if you're so used to being a people pleaser, it can be really, really scary.
I have been so scared of rejection and people telling me that they don't love me um that I have really wanted to stay in people pleasing mode like genuinely I would say to myself actually, no, this isn't worth it.
I would start a boundary and I think no, it's not worth it.
I don't want to upset that person.
I want them in my life or I don't want them to be annoyed at me.
So that's so much I don't want them to be annoyed at me.
I'll just stay as I am.
Um almost like you're trying to control the outcome.
Um Whereas I've learned that letting go of all outcomes is really healthy.
Boundaries are really important for you to have a really great life for you to be happy and for you to rediscover yourself and for you to nurture and take the time for yourself.
I I'm almost getting emotional at the idea of some of you listening in not having boundaries.
I have never had a boundary up until maybe a year and a half ago.
Um You need to decide for yourself what you want and you need to decide for yourself what you want and deserve without fear of using your voice to let others know your worth.
Once you do this heavy lifting at the start, everything will really flow in alignment and things will get really, really good for you.
It's really difficult to go from no boundaries to actually putting up a boundary.
And I'm going to share with you how to uh put up boundaries now.
Um But recognizing that setting boundaries is an act of self care.
It is a good thing to prioritize your well being.
It's a good thing to say no, when necessary and taking care of yourself allows you to be more present and effective in your relationships and you get to enjoy your life so much more.
Um If you have a lack of boundaries, you're probably feeling taken advantage of in certain situations.
You're probably saying yes to please others at your own expense, not getting your needs because you tend to fear conflict.
You may often feel disrespected by others by not standing up for yourself.
You may have a fear of being rejected or abandoned and this leaves you accepting less than you deserve and you engage in people pleasing behaviors in order to be liked and to receive approval and maybe you don't have any respect for you time, healthy boundaries.
So examples of you having healthy boundaries include being able to say no, being able to clearly communicate your wants and needs, honoring and respecting your own needs, honoring and respecting your commitments, ring fencing me time, which is really, really important.
Um So how do you set up boundaries?
Um Three steps, you define your boundary, what is it and why are you putting it up?
You communicate the boundary, who whoever needs to know and you consistently uphold your boundaries.
So number one, defining your boundary, like, what's the boundary for?
Is it for your well being your self care, your physical health, your mental health, is it a work boundary for the relationships you have at home?
You don't want work to seep into home life, like define the boundary and why it's there and why it's coming into play.
For example, I have boundaries now um that ensure that I can get my work done.
I also have boundaries in place that make me stop work at certain times in the day, I have boundaries.
Now in my week, at certain times throughout the week I go and engage in my hobbies, which is really important.
That means my boundary is up.
The kids know my husband knows.
Um I have now time in my calendar where I meet my friends, they are boundaries.
They're bounded up.
I don't put appointments in on these times.
I don't answer phone calls in these times.
I make sure that nothing else comes in the way of when I meet up with my friends.
Um, I have boundaries now for my mental health.
If I want to go upstairs to my bedroom at a certain point in the day and just zone out for 10 minutes.
Um, I tell the kids not to disturb me, not to talk to me.
I have many boundaries in my week now.
I don't answer the phone when it rings.
If I don't want to.
Uh, I don't feel the need to automatically respond to people.
If they message me, I'll do it when I have a little bit of free time and it doesn't mean that I love them less.
Um I defined the boundary and then I communicated the boundary for me.
It's mostly that I needed to tell my husband Joe Arthur and Emily, these are the times that I am not free.
Also putting boundaries in work.
I work for myself.
So I didn't need to tell a boss.
So this is the time I finish work, but I needed to have that very clearly communicated on my AAA project thing that I go home at this time.
I start work at this time and work for me isn't about sitting down at 9 a.
and maybe getting up off the chair twice and finishing at 5 p.
and working like an absolute dog, which is how I thought it should be.
No work is for me now about ease and flow and doing less and doing what I do to a great standard as opposed to trying to do so many things because I'm so afraid of being rejected because I'm not doing enough, which is just cracked this feeling that if we're not mental busy the whole time, we're not doing enough, which is something that I have done all of the time.
And don't forget, number three to consistently uphold your boundary check in every week is your boundary up.
Is your boundary up?
I get really irritated now when I drop my boundaries or if I can't, um if say one of the kids has to go to somewhere and you know, I have no choice and I can't do the thing I wanted to do.
I just get so frustrated and irritated.
Um, I just feel like the boundaries are so, so important.
Um, and this leads me on to the third thing.
So the first foundational step is to rediscover yourself, get in touch with your feelings, um, learn how to turn inwards.
And the second thing then is setting up boundaries so you can step into your power and you can use your boundaries to start to meet up with friends, uh, engage in a hobby and, um, uh, take care of your physical and your emotional.
Well being, the third thing is to not silence or censor yourself.
Um, this can be really difficult if you're used to running away from confrontation.
Um, knowing that disagreeing is ok.
Now, this, I've had a lot of work to do with this, with the people that I really love.
Like my husband, for example, Joe, Poor Joe, he gets mentioned in this podcast so much and he's, he's not sometimes when he's doing the transcriptions for me, he's like, I've just skimmed over it.
Why am I seeing the word Joe so much?
That's so funny.
Um, but I suppose with the people that I love who he was really affected the most, um, because I seemed to be more argumentative when actually I was just saying the things that I would have privately thought and I would have been privately thinking them to avoid an argument.
Now, I really work hard at not avoiding an argument.
And if I disagree with something he is saying not to think.
Oh, I'll just save time and not say anything to say it, to say it.
Now, there's things I do like they say, look, will you sit down for a second?
You know, I can be a bit dramatic, um, because I'm still not used to arguing in a healthy way.
Um, but I'm getting better at it now.
That's with people that you love so much and that you trust so much.
You can kind of start to not silence and censor yourself and, and the extra disagreements initially are ok because you'll chat to each other and you'll let him know or her know that this is because you're beginning to say how you feel, that's fine.
And then you've got maybe some friends in your life where it's going to be a little bit more tricky because you're not going to be able to just chat to them so freely, maybe about the way you might with your immediate loved one.
And in that sense, I don't just blurt out everything that I feel.
Sometimes I mightn't like full on disagree, but I do not iii I don't agree.
I rather than argue, I just don't agree.
Um So I'm not talking about being confrontational with people.
Um Just not silencing or censoring yourself and practice saying like, oh, really?
I don't agree with that.
Um Can be wonderful on this, not silencing or censoring yourself for people that are in your life that you're not particularly fond of for whatever reasons, limiting time spent with people who don't make you feel good is really important.
And that includes, that includes apps and phone calls and messaging apps and any channel that somebody communicates with you, that you're not a big fan of that.
For whatever reason, you feel bad when you get off the phone or messaging with them and you know, you put your phone down and now that you're getting in touch with your feelings, you feel like God, I feel really bad.
You know, those people where you just feel really anxious and stressed out and ungrounded and un centered after you've spoken to them.
That's tho those people just limit the time that you spend talking to them and boundary it up.
If there's somebody calling you that you don't like them calling you, if they give you enough to miss calls and you just message them, how can I help what's up?
Then they'll get the message you are.
It's a good thing for you to protect yourself.
And if there's people in your life that have made you feel bad in the past or make you feel bad, now, it is ok to lessen your contact with them.
They don't deserve you in their lives and they need to move on.
Um The next couple of things that I want to mention to you before I wrap this up is to um, exercise, exercising is brilliant.
It'll help you feel like you're more powerful, you'll get physically strong.
And when you get physically strong, you just automatically start to get mentally stronger.
When you're doing shoulder presses and squats and lunges, you are automatically getting mentally stronger.
When you work out, you get physically strong and that's going to help and have a lovely knock on effect in you reclaiming your power and stepping into your power.
It's going to build your confidence from the inside out.
My next tip is to my second last tip is to practice self discipline.
This can really have a really terrific effect on your confidence.
So mini disciplines throughout the day, like things like I love to do like make my bed every single morning.
That's an easy one.
Drink 2 L of water, self-discipline, making dinner.
My last meal like closing the kitchen dinner is done.
Food is done that requires self discipline and it's really cool to look at it in a self discipline way, in my opinion, rather than uh diety restricting.
Oh, I'm not having any, any sugar junk food.
It's not about that.
It's about discipline.
I've had my dinner, I've had enough.
Now I'm going to practice the art of self discipline.
And wow, does that make you feel good?
Your confidence soars?
You feel terrific.
And the beautiful knock on effect of being self disciplined is that you feel terrific and you're healthy.
Um And getting organized the night before.
I love those mini disciplines, like organizing my workout gear the night before organizing my work day, the night, the night before those mini disciplines that you do every day, in my opinion, make, make you an absolute legend.
They make you grow into person who is disciplined, motivated, calm in control, productive, in touch with their emotions.
You act instead of react, you're the director of your life rather than the manager of your life.
And my last one is to set goals and have a hobby and it's ok to try something and then not like it.
Like, maybe you want to pick up tennis once a week or badminton or you want to do a chess thing or, or, or, or, or, um, something else.
But I really encourage you to have a hobby that you really enjoy.
And when I was starting out on my journey with this, I instantly thought, oh, I'll volunteer.
Um, and volunteering wasn't the right time for me when I was learning and rediscovering myself and stepping into my power.
Um, a hobby depending on where you're at in your life is really important.
Something that you get really enjoyment from.
And then when you rediscover yourself and have your boundaries up and your taking care of yourself, then you can maybe explore the idea of volunteering.
Um, but a hobby is really cool.
Don't be afraid to try a couple and embrace the difficulty of doing something new.
Embrace the difficulty of walking into a room where you don't know anybody and you're afraid of being judged.
Embrace all that and feel the fear and do it anyway.
I really, really hope you enjoyed this episode.
I have a really exciting brand new, um, downloadable for you.
I've created a playlist based on what you need out of this podcast.
So, if you go to Jessica Cook dot ie forward slash playlist and do a little quiz at the end of the quiz, you'll be send a playlist based on whether you need more fitness and nutrition support or mental health or mindset stuff.
You'll just get a playlist sent of each of those.
It's really cool.
You can go to Jessica Cook dot IE forward slash playlist.
It's your very own playlist based on this podcast.
Thank you so, so much for listening.
I hope you have a really wonderful day.
I hope you enjoyed this podcast episode and you must let me know by getting in touch.
Don't forget you can head on over to Jessica Cook dot IE where you'll find lots of free stuff to get you started on your journey.