Hey ladies, welcome back to the Jessica Cooke Podcast!
I’m so glad you’re here for episode 224, where today, we’re diving deep into a topic I know so many of you can relate to: the fear of failure. That nagging voice that keeps holding you back from starting, or the fear that “this time” won’t be any different.
I received a powerful letter from one of our listeners, Michelle, and I want to share her story with you. It’s a story that will resonate with so many women out there—especially those of you over 40, who are juggling so many responsibilities but still want to get fit, healthy, and strong. Michelle’s journey is one we can all learn from.
Michelle’s Story
Michelle is a 41-year-old married mother of two. She’s struggling with her weight and her relationship with food, largely shaped by the messages she received growing up. Her mom used to say things like, “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips,” and placed value on being skinny. Sadly, that’s led Michelle to develop a negative relationship with food, including binge and secret eating.
She’s now at her heaviest weight, feeling disconnected from her body, and at a size 20. Like so many of us, she wants to feel comfortable in her own skin again, strong and healthy—yes, even skinny—but in a way that feels good, not punishing.
To make matters worse, Michelle had a bad fall 11 months ago and broke all the bones in her right ankle. Since then, she’s been recovering from surgery and waiting on another operation, which has left her feeling even more vulnerable about her fitness level.
What really scared her most after her fall wasn’t just the injury—it was realizing how unfit and weak she felt. That’s something I hear all the time from women over 40. It’s not just about the weight or how we look—it’s the feeling of being disconnected from your body, of not feeling strong and capable.
Michelle is in a tough spot. She knows she needs to work on herself, both mentally and physically, but the fear of failure keeps creeping in. She’s tried programs like Slimming World and UniSlim, and while she saw success, it never lasted. The weight always came back, and with it, a huge sense of failure.
She says: “At the time, all I could think was how useless I was, and how I had failed again.” That’s a mentality I want us to change together.
Michelle recognizes now that her mindset has to shift from focusing on being “skinny” to focusing on being “healthy.” But it’s the fear of failure that’s stopping her from even starting. She’s terrified that she’ll put in the work, only to fail again and be back where she started. And let me tell you, I get that. Fear of failure is so common, but it’s also the very thing that’s holding us back from unlocking our true potential.
Why Weight Loss Clubs Fail You: Breaking Free from the Cycle of Failure
I totally relate to everything you’re saying. And trust me, so many of us listening right now can relate too.
It’s the never-ending loop of weight loss clubs, the constant fear of failure—oh, I’ve been there. I just want to send you a big virtual hug across the internet right now because I know the struggle.
But today, I’m really excited for you. Because we’re about to turn a corner, clear the slate, and start fresh.
Let’s draw a line in the sand, shall we? By the end of this, I’m hopeful that you’ll be ready to embrace what could be a truly amazing journey ahead of you. And yes, I say potentially amazing because it’s your choice. You’ll get to decide how this journey unfolds.
First Things First: It’s NOT Your Fault
Let’s get something straight right off the bat—it’s not your fault.
If things haven’t worked out for you in the past, or if those weight loss clubs didn’t do the trick, that’s not on you. Why? Because these clubs are focusing on the wrong thing. They treat the symptom—weight gain—without ever addressing the actual problem. That’s my biggest issue with the weight loss industry.
Weight gain is never the real problem; it’s a symptom. But those clubs? They operate as if losing pounds is the be-all and end-all. If they just give you a formula—count calories, weigh your food, work out three times a week—they expect the weight to magically melt away. And when it doesn’t, they make you feel like you’ve failed. Like it’s your fault the scales didn’t drop two pounds this week.
But here’s the truth: those scales? They’re keeping you hooked like an IV drip, and they’re taking your power away.
Break Free from the Scales
Those scales have tricked you into believing that they’re the only metric of success. When the number goes down, you’re good. When it goes up, you’re bad. And so, you’re stuck on this rollercoaster. But I’m here to tell you—it’s time to let that go.
Right now, take a deep breath with me. And on the exhale, I want you to let go of all the blame, all the guilt, all the feelings of failure from the past. Let’s wipe the slate clean. Starting now.
Why Are You Overweight?
This is the part where we dig a little deeper. I want you to grab a pen and paper and write down why you think you’re overweight. Don’t overthink it. Let whatever comes to mind flow onto the paper.
Maybe you’re thinking, “I eat too much.” But why? Why are you eating too much? Your first response might be, “I love food.” But that’s not enough. If you didn’t want to be overweight, why are you overeating? We’re doing this because you want to make a change, right?
Redefine What Being Healthy Means to You
Now, let’s shift gears a bit. I want you to ask yourself, What does being healthy mean to me?
Close your eyes for a second and picture your future self—who do you want to be? What actions would this version of you be taking? How would you feel?
One big problem with diet culture is that it makes us believe we need to do things we hate in order to be healthy—like give up social events or eating out. But that’s not true. You don’t have to sacrifice everything to reach your goals.
So, what does health look like for you?
Maybe it’s working out three times a week, maybe it’s finding balance in your meals. Get clear on this because it becomes your guiding light. When you have this vision, you’re less likely to get pulled back into the toxic diet culture traps.
The Power of Knowing What Unhealthy Means to You
On the flip side, I want you to think about what being unhealthy means to you. For me, it’s eating sugary foods during the week. Some people might say, “Oh, you’re depriving yourself,” but I know what makes me feel sluggish and out of balance. I don’t feel like the athlete I strive to be when I eat poorly, and that’s not aligned with who I want to be.
We’re all different. And if you haven’t taken the time to figure out what being unhealthy looks like for you, it’s easy to fall into behaviors that make you feel bad.
Shifting the Focus: Stop Measuring Failure by the Scales
Once you’ve let go of the blame, and you’ve redefined health and unhealthiness for yourself, you’ll notice something amazing. The power shifts back into your hands. You’re no longer controlled by a program or a set of scales. Instead, you’re in alignment with what truly matters to you.
This is important because setbacks will happen. Life is full of challenges, and trust me, I know how easy it is to feel like a failure when you hit a roadblock. But here’s where we challenge that.
Challenge the Thought: “I’m a Failure”
I want you to take that thought—”I’m a failure”—and run it through a process called The Work by Byron Katie. Let’s ask a few questions:
1. Is it true?
Are you really a failure? If you’re thinking yes, let’s dig deeper.
2. Can you be absolutely sure it’s true?
Have you failed at everything? Are you failing as a parent, a friend, a professional? Most likely not.
3. How do you react when you believe the thought?
You probably freeze. You stop taking action. Maybe you even overeat more or skip your workouts entirely. You spiral further into that bad feeling, and it might last for weeks.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
Now, here’s where it gets exciting. Imagine you didn’t have that thought, “I’m a failure.” Who would you be? You’d probably just get back up the next day and carry on with your journey, right?
That’s the key: without that thought holding you back, you’re free. Free to focus on your health and fitness without the weight of self-doubt pulling you down.
Final Thoughts: Make Success Inevitable
To really make this work, you need to set some goals. But let’s make them non-weight-loss-related.
Trust me on this—when you focus on becoming fit and healthy, the weight will naturally come off. You’ll be action-oriented instead of weight-obsessed, and that’s where the magic happens.
Set goals around physical movement, hydration, mental health, and self-care. But remember, these goals become easy to implement once you’ve tackled the mindset piece. It’s not about willpower or motivation—it’s about removing the barriers that hold you back, like stress, overwhelm, and the fear of failure.
So, let’s break free from the old patterns. Let go of the blame. Redefine what health and unhealthiness mean to you. And challenge those thoughts of failure.
The journey to a healthier, happier you is right in front of you, and I’m here to help you every step of the way.
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All my love,
Jessica Cooke