Today, I’ve got a challenge for all of you, inspired by an email from a lovely woman called Karen who reached out for some advice.
Her issue? People pleasing.
Oh, do I love this topic—people pleasing! Honestly, I could write a book about it because it’s something I struggled with for years. So, let me ask you—are you a people pleaser? Does it absolutely wreck your head that you’re always bending over backwards for others? Do you feel it’s holding you back?
If you do, you’re not alone. People pleasing is exhausting, and I promise you, it’s no way to live your life. Let’s take a look at Karen’s email, and I’m sure many of you will see a bit of yourself in her words.
Karen's Email
Dear Jessica, I've been a fan of your podcast for quite a while, and it always feels like you're talking directly to me. I hope you might have some insights to help me through something that's been weighing on me lately. I’m 45, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser. It’s something that I never really questioned until recently, but now I see how much it’s affecting my life, particularly at work.
Whether it’s work, friends, or family, I find myself constantly saying yes to everything and everyone. I take on extra work projects, agree to social plans even when I’m wrecked, and often put others' needs ahead of my own. I feel like there’s this invisible pressure to be everything to everyone. But the problem is, I’ve started noticing recently that I’m always running on empty. My own needs come last—like making time for exercise, eating well, or even just resting.
I know that self-care is important, but I feel guilty whenever I try to prioritise myself. It’s like there’s a voice in my head telling me I’m being selfish if I don’t put others first. As a result, I’m often exhausted—physically and emotionally—and it’s affecting my health, happiness, and relationships.
I’ve also found that I’m avoiding social situations because I don’t feel comfortable being myself. It’s exhausting to always try and be what I think others want, and it keeps me from enjoying friendships or even trying to make new connections.
I want to change, but I feel stuck. I fear letting people down and being judged for who I am. I’d love some advice on how to break out of this pattern. How can I start putting myself first without feeling guilty? I want to set healthier boundaries, but I worry about disappointing the people around me. I really want to make a change so that I have more energy and joy for myself without feeling like I’m letting others down.
Thank you so much for all the work you do. Your words are a source of hope and guidance for me.
Karen.
Wow. That cuts deep, doesn’t it?
Honestly, I could’ve written that letter about myself a few years ago. People pleasing is a battle, but it’s one you can win. Stay tuned because I’m going to dive into Karen’s situation and break down how you can stop people pleasing, set healthier boundaries, and reclaim your energy and joy.
Are you ready to stop putting everyone else first and start putting you first?
First off, Karen, I completely understand your pain.
Honestly, it’s tough being a people-pleaser. It can feel like you’re constantly bending over backwards, never having enough time for yourself, and always putting others' needs first. The lack of boundaries, the self-care that always gets pushed to the side—it all takes a toll on your well-being.
But do you know the worst thing I discovered about people-pleasing? It’s that, over time, you lose the joy and fun you used to get from your relationships. You end up missing out on the banter, the lightheartedness, and that easy connection that once made friendships so enjoyable.
Let me take you back to when friendships felt effortless. Do you remember those days? Maybe it was during your school years, or your time at college or just after. You had that tight-knit group of friends where everything just clicked. You’d laugh, tease each other, and share so many great moments. You were totally yourself, and your friends loved you for that. In return, you loved them back just as fiercely.
Then, life happened.
Maybe it was a tough period, or you had kids, or you just grew apart from those people. Somewhere along the way, you lost touch—not just with your friends, but also with yourself.
And now, as you find yourself trying to form new connections, something feels off. You’re caught in this cycle of people-pleasing, and it’s robbing you of the fun, the banter, and the genuine mutual respect you once knew.
Instead of feeling alive and connected, you’re left with awkward, formal chats that don’t feel authentic. You’re either listening to someone else talk or just trying to keep them happy without really being yourself.
When you’re not relaxed—when there’s no room for laughter or silliness—then you know you’re not being your true self. It’s like you’ve put on this mask, and that mask is exhausting to wear. I feel your pain, and I want you to know that it is possible to build meaningful connections again.
But, Karen, you won’t get there by continuing the way you’re going. You’ll just keep having these superficial, polite coffee meetings where you’re playing a role, not really showing up as you.
Now, here’s the thing. I’m not just talking from a place of theory. I’ve been there myself.
Just two years ago, I hit rock bottom with my own loneliness. Yes, I’m so blessed to have a husband and two beautiful kids, Arthur and Emily, and I feel incredibly fortunate to still have both my parents, two sisters, and a brother. But despite all that, I felt deeply lonely. In 2022, it all came crashing down for me. I realised I had so few friends—hardly any real connections—and the worst part? There was no laughter. No laughter outside my home, no one who really knew me on a deep level.
I had spent the previous ten years living in Galway, raising my children in full-on people-pleaser mode. My barriers were up. I was either super professional, super formal, or just stuck in a cycle of trying to make everyone else happy. I had completely lost myself.
But I did the work. I dug deep, I put myself out there, and I rebuilt my life from the ground up.
Today, I have wonderful connections again, and I look forward to meeting my friends, having chats, and sharing laughs. And you know what? You’re going to do that too. You’re going to have those connections in your life again, those friendships that bring you joy.
Step One: Identifying the Problem
The first step to breaking free from people-pleasing is identifying that it’s a problem in your life. And, Karen, I know you’ve already recognised it, but for anyone else reading, just admitting it to yourself is powerful.
Say it out loud: “I’m a people-pleaser, and I don’t want to be anymore.” There’s something incredibly refreshing and freeing about that honesty.
But here’s the twist—you might think that being a people-pleaser is the problem, but it’s not. People-pleasing is just a symptom. The real issue lies deeper.
People-pleasing often comes from a lack of self-worth, from feeling like you’re not enough just as you are. It’s driven by a fear of rejection, a fear of people not liking you, or a fear of showing your true personality and being laughed at or judged.
I know this because I’ve lived it. Every single one of those fears fuelled my people-pleasing tendencies. Do any of these resonate with you?
- A lack of self-worth
- Fear of not being enough as you are
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of people not liking you
- Fear of showing your real personality
- Fear of being laughed at
If you answered yes to any (or all) of these, then the question becomes, how do we solve the real problem?
Step Two: Setting Boundaries
Before we dive deep into those fears, let’s start with something that offers a quicker win: boundaries.
Boundaries are the key to regaining control over your life, your time, and your energy. Without them, everything spills over into each other, and you end up feeling overwhelmed, drained, and resentful. So, where do you begin?
There are a few key areas where setting boundaries can have an immediate impact:
- Work: Work-life boundaries are crucial because work tends to spill over into your personal life more easily than other things. Start by writing down your work hours—when do you start, and when do you finish? Then, practice saying, “That time doesn’t suit me. How about X or Y?” when you’re asked to work outside of those hours.
- Home Life: Home life, especially if you’re a parent, can feel all-consuming. It’s vital to boundary up things like household chores and meal planning. When do you do your food shop? When do you prepare the kids' lunches? Thursdays, by the way, are a great day for food shopping! Get into a routine, and boundary up your tasks, so you don’t feel like you’re always doing something.
- Phone Boundaries: One of the biggest areas where we lose our boundaries is with our phones. Do you answer every call, text, or message the minute it comes through? Try putting your phone on silent—yes, even when you’re at home. Only check it at specific times, rather than letting it constantly pull your attention away from what really matters.
- Kids and Family: Boundary up your time with your kids too. It’s okay to tell them you need a break. If you’re having a coffee in the garden or need five minutes to yourself, say so! Let your kids know that you’re still there for them, but you also need time for yourself.
Step Three: Tackling the Root Cause: Limiting Beliefs
Now, let’s dig into the real issue: your *limiting beliefs*. Limiting beliefs are the thoughts and stories you tell yourself that hold you back from your true potential. Things like:
- "I’m too old to start something new."
- "I don’t deserve it."
- "I’m not good enough."
- "Nobody will take me seriously."
These thoughts create an emotional response, which influences your behaviour.
For example, if you believe “I’m not good enough,” you’ll feel insecure, which leads to people-pleasing, and ultimately results in shallow connections. This cycle keeps repeating until you challenge the belief and replace it with an empowering one.
To break free from these limiting beliefs, follow these steps:
- Identify the Belief: Figure out what limiting belief is driving your behaviour. What story are you telling yourself?
- Challenge the Belief: Is it really true? Can you find evidence that proves this belief is false? More often than not, these beliefs are just old stories from the past that no longer serve you.
- Replace It with an Empowering Belief: Create a new belief that serves you better, something like, "I am enough just as I am," or, “I deserve real, meaningful connections.”
- Reinforce It with Action: Start living out this new belief. Practice it in social situations. Remember, you’re not trying to get people to like you—you’re simply looking for people you click with. Not everyone will be your cup of tea, and that’s perfectly okay.
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it.
When you stop worrying about pleasing others and start being true to yourself, you open up the possibility for real, meaningful connections. You regain control over your time, your energy, and your happiness.
And most importantly, you start living a life that feels authentic, fulfilling, and full of joy.
So, Karen, and anyone else reading this, start small—set those boundaries, tackle those limiting beliefs, and give yourself permission to just be you.
The right people will love you for it, and that’s what really matters.
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All my love,
Jessica Cooke